Someday, my prince will come....and peel me like a carrot

I know you're probably asking yourself why I keep posting notes from Friend and not my own war stories - and while that's a fair question, I will say that Friend has a lot of saved emails that make me laugh too loud, so I'm working my way through both hers and mine. And since Valentine's Day is this weekend, I'm kind of putting a lot up to make us all feel better.

Friend received this one a few months back...as always, nothing has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent:

I am looking for a cute nice beautiful fashionable lady my dream princess like yourself to meet and get to know and to communicate with and start a relationship with. This relation could also become serious and maybe to start a family. A pretty modern lady I could present a pleasant sweet smelling rose to.I would like to be your soul partner, be my concious proud lioness.Our hearts could beat as one. I am very interested in you and admire you like peeling a fresh leafy carrot by the kitchen table. I love you very much.I would appreciate your reply greatly.


Ahhh the dream of women everywhere is to be peeled like a carrot at the kitchen table.
Right?
HA!

Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down

Friend is sure that this candidate is into bondage.
Friend is not (into bondage).
Although, she can be a little bossy. Then again, so can I.

Here's another gem from match dot com. I present to you, the unsolicited creep:
I want you to be completely honest... I have a serious question for you: I wonder if you can imagine everything it might mean to you, when you're with a guy, and this guy knows you so completely, and is so strong, so capable, so loving, that you absolutely trust him to take care of your happiness for the rest of your life, knowing that your trust is well-founded, and fall so deeply, hopelessly, helplessly in love with him that you just give yourself to him completely, and you know you'll do absolutely anything he asks you to, just to please him. Have you had this yet? Mark

Pretty fly for a white guy

Today's entry is short but sweet. But it's a winner, unlike its sender. Friend was contacted by another questionable "match" on match.com.

His email:
Hi (Friend) I liked your profile and very attractive pictures, but unfortunately I don't live in NYC as you so require. A little silly don't you think? Question? Have you dated black men?

PS to our readers: It's worth sharing that this guy is of the Caucasian persuasion...Friend saw the photos he posted on his profile, so we're totally lost as to why he wants to know his final question. Oy.

Love Is In Your Face

I mentioned in our premiere post that Friend and I would post actual emails we've received from assorted dating sites, and I'm nothing if not a deliverer on my own promises. Does that even make sense? Who cares! It sets the tone for today's entry which, for the record, has not been altered. The spelling, syntax, and come-ons are all 100% original. Oh poor Friend - thanks for sharing this one with Red and the world. XOXO

Email from match.com to Friend on January 7th:

Listen sweety after reading your profile,it really caught my attention.I`m not looking for a one night stand or just sex,what i`m looking for is someone with they head on they shoulder`s, that is honest,respectable and loyal.I work very hard every week,too be where i`m at in life.I just want the right person to share that with.you are the only one on this web-site that i feel is worth taken a chance too get to know each other.,I`m not here too waste your time or mines,please lets not play any games.I ask my self how else we are going to communicate beside thru thise web site,so i took the chance to send you my number,cell and house #.I`m a very down to earth dude and i know you can find it in your heart to give me a chance,it would be something that you wont regreat.you already know that i`m hispanic and i just moved here to jersey from new york.please take 3 minutes to read my profile again.My schedule is sat-wed at (airline name removed) airlines, from 4:30pm-1am.Thursday & friday at madison square garden from 3pm-11:30pm.Now most of the time if i`m not working,then that is when i take the time too go away,my favorite destination are St.Barts in the caribean and San Tropez in the south of france,or even Monaco.Very quick,I`m a single independent hispanic male,that stands about 6`04 in height and weight 247lbs.not fat,not thick,but solid athletic build,as you can see from the photo,my complexion is brown skin.Love let me be honest with you,I don`t know what else to say.please find it in your heart,because i do know you are a nice young lady,so give me a ring.Like that we be able to speak and get to know each other.Remember friends first.P.S.I can promise you thise,all you will get from me is HONESTY & RESPECT.Oh if you ever call me on my cell and it goes rite too voice mail,its because i`m in the aircraft,and there is no signal,so please just leave me a message and,I will return your call once i`m done cleaning the plane.remember we are adults here,and we both MATURE.T2UL hope too hear from you,and have a great week sweety.(Love is in your FACE)just give your self a chance & you will see for your self.(201)
Thank You SEBASTIAN.

The ballerina - long may he pli'e

Bad dates.

We've all had 'em.

But like I always say (to myself and to friends who may be dreading an evening out with a new gentleman caller) "What's the worst that could happen - you get a good story out it?"  I happened to have a date that might very well be the best example of that, ever.  Yes, I said best ever. Feel free to supply me with a story of your own if you'd like to challenge me for the title.

Whether you've heard this one before - from me or from a friend - you can sleep soundly knowing it's not merely an urban legend.  It really happened.  To me.  Gasp.  Gag.  Giggle. Happy Reading...

The ballerina (I'm not being mean, he was a professional ballet dancer) and I met on match.com - we emailed a couple of times and chatted on the phone, and he seemed normal enough (which seems to be my first date requirement - sound/seem normal) so we decided to meet for a drink.  Easy enough, right?  He picked a Belgian restaurant in my neighborhood and upon seeing me in person, he upgraded the date from drinks to dinner.  Ooh la la.  Over the course of dinner, I did my best to be open, which proved to be tough.  But I tried...

In the awkwardness of the end of dinner, I reached for my wallet and asked if I could contribute to the check. His reply of "if you'd like to you can, or we can agree to do this again and you can treat next time," caught me so off guard that I must have nodded in agreement and shock. Did this guy just ask me for a second date on the condition that I pay? I mean, I'm not a rules girl, but really?? Really?? Oh, and PS, my portion of the bill was about 20 buckeroos. That's it.

Over the following two weeks Monsieur Ballet emailed, texted, and called - a lot - and I decided that really, it wasn't a matter of me being open, it was a matter of me not being into him.  At all.  But I didn't want to be rude and just blow him off, so I thought I'd send him an email on match.   Nice, right?  Yeah, I'm a nice girl.  Let's see what it got me, shall we?

My match.com email to him:

Hey (Name removed),
It was nice meeting you but I didn't feel a connection between us - I wish you the best of luck on your search and hope you have a nice holiday season.

He then texted me the following - as in he didn't reply to the email on match, he picked up his phone and sent a text to me.  Not just one text, but two, because his word count went over the 160 character limit.  Spelling and grammar have not been altered. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent, um, me.

Hi (Red). Thank you for your message and your candor. I concurr with your semtiments. I do insist, however, as agreed that evening you would treat for the next date that you renumerate me for your portion of the bill that evening. Please advise how you would like to handle that. Thank you

Really.

I'm not embellishing a bit or a tad or a drop.

How's that for a tale of woe and woah -- a true douche bag who wanted his money back.

Ah, try being single in the city, it's awesome.

XO

Red

Greetings, City Dwellers

Welcome to our blog.

We're both single, all-around awesome gals about town, but for some reason we seem attract the dregs of the earth when it comes to dating.

We're not talking simply ugly guys (that would be shallow, and we're not totally shallow), we're talking about the Schmuck. (For those needing a definition of said male, here you go: a stupid person or dimwitted fool or an unwanted guest.) You know you know him. You may have even dated one or four. If you have, our apologies and sympathies are extended your way. Hugs all around.

Here are some of his identifying traits. The Schmuck is unable to distinguish between there, their, and they're…or where and wear, for that matter, in his emails. He also gushes about his feelings, desires, and dreams in ALL CAPS. Yup, he's a shouter. Feels like the early days of an abusive relationship. Lest you think he's all rough around the edges, you should know that he tosses pet names early and often like peanuts at a Yankees game.

These are the men that seek us out on dating sites and in bars, and we figured it was time to share the suffering we've endured over a decade of life in NYC. We know we're not alone in our plight and since these stories also crack us up, we thought it was high time we shared the laughter.

Tune in for actual emails we've received from the pits of dating hell and feel free to send us your own tales of woe and woah!

XO
Red and Friend